i’ll just warn you now that this one is gonna be about the words, but there’s a big announcement (!!) near the end, so persist if you can. what will follow comes from spaces in me that have been practiced, cried over, dreamed about, some days diseased, broken, but pieced back together with Mortar that most days, lordhelpme, i’ll just be honest, i have not believed in any longer…
my desire is to believe again…in a great many things. i am not discouraged or feeling heavy these days, though i have had my share of that for the past four years. these words, the way i deliver this message, which strangely feels like it is sewn with light gray thread to every star-point of a constellation in my soul, have been rolling around like an unwritten letter. perhaps it’s silly to admit, but when i take a bath, or walk home from work or scrub the baseboards in that ole victorian house, i think about this letter. i think about you, Reader, whoever you are, and how this will affect you depending upon what part of my life you’re from. for some of you, none of this will makes sense, and that’s okay. we’ll find some other way to connect, i’m sure…even if that might mean making the choice to disconnect for a season or more.
since i last posted, i have officially finished my master’s degree and up and moved my ass all the way back to the great, long state of tennessee from philadelphia. i’ve often struggled with how vulnerable to be about these years on the east coast, but i wonder if that’s just part of the effect that this region/culture have had on my spirit- that one must be defensive with emotionally bare cupboards if you’re gonna make it for any stint of time. don’t get me wrong, i learned the city-swag, the impatience, the insatiable desire for thick coffee. i found ways to hold my own, to order a drink in the loudest & clumsiest of bars…
but there was always some part of me missing. actually, not just some part, but the part around which i’ve based some pretty huge life choices.
i am a therapist. the label’s just a label. it’s the meaning that defines so much of my moving & being in the world. i want to be really committed to walking with people in whatever form their healing needs to take…this happens therapeutically, in a safe, professional relationship, but i’ve found that the parts of life i’m most fond of involve doing this mutually in my intimate relationships as well.
philadelphia is a beautiful place, but i found that the parts of myself that i need to access to be most fully present in my work & play simply require a different kind of environment- a place in which i can feel cosmically held as i seek to be a “container” or a holding place for others’ pain.
tearfully, i report that the mountains of tennessee have been hugging me softly since our arrival six weeks ago. even the humid nights & steamy rain have given me a warm embrace i cannot quite shake. a breezy sense of calm slips in from time to time, a softness behind my eyes like someone’s stroking the inside of my mind-space with a paintbrush…it all makes so much more sense in hindsight…it always does, right? but in the midst of untangling myself from the city of philadelphia & various manifestations of community there, it wasn’t always so clear…
but it’s becoming so clear, friends.
clear like the healing pools as She troubles the waters….let the stirring continue and
“…flare up like flame and make big shadows i can move in…”
i think these mountains will make for some good shadowing, so that i might find all that is good & light & true again.
with these geographical & spiritual changes, in Lieu of Lavender will also cease to exist as we’ve known her. i started this blog upon starting my marital & philadelphian journey and since both of those things (and I!) have shifted & grown, it feels appropriate to to let this space rest as i move into a new phase of living.
the good news is that i will be offering my eyes & shutter for hire under the guise of my new business, Eugene & Delour. i love digging into stories in my day job, so it only makes sense for me to tell stories in the best way i know how to in my creative life as well.
Eugene & Delour will house my new blog, so you may follow me there! and if you’re in the Southeast and looking for a photographer to help tell your story
:::::let’s do the damn thang::::::
thank you for reading and “being” with me in this way. i know some of you have been around since in Lieu’s birth and i’ve treasured all of your words, encouragement and the many conversations in real life that this blog has spawned.
…May the Longtime Sun shine on you…