this woman.

my best one came to see me this weekend! she now resides in nc and, to be honest, i’ve been a little too blue to talk about it here. she knows me best and it was like going home to have her around for a coupla days…

we had a great time finding some new places in a city we used to share…omgoodness, the farmer’s cabinet? it must be the coziest, quaintest happy hour in philly…i’m convinced. and we ventured out to terrain for brunch with an orchard stop on the way home…yes, we ate cranberryapple crisp for breakfast the next morning because it wouldn’t be authentic if we didn’t consume like 4 desserts a day when together.

guhh. i hate the distance, but i suppose it truly does help the heart grow fonder & not in that superficial kind of way where you just romanticize people and things that are far away because they can’t hurt you as easily; but in a deep, contemplative, remembering sort of way that still sees the cracks & longs to make them right.

missingyou, my martha…

 

those fall-time feelings

 

yes friends, the falltime feelings are in the air and my spirit is soaring. i’m not even sure why…i’m busier than ever & yet,  i feel so full & alive. i can genuinely say that it’s been a long time since i’ve felt purposeful & creative, even if just in the little mind flickers i experience on my bike ride to work or in my kitchen-rhythms. the dawn of autumn is helping immensely…i didn’t realize how much summertime affects the way i perceive and live in this city!

crunchy leaves, beddin-down in sweaters & socks, clothes on the line drying in an hour or so & fierce snuggle-time with the windows open…sometimes transitions are exactly what i need despite the butterflies they can blow in,  too.

ahhh. breathe deep these days, loved ones.

 

bartram’s garden

well folks, i’ve been looking for my “place” in philadelphia for a number of years now & i’m happy to report that i think i’ve found it. in tennessee and indiana, i had these distinct “places” i visited for rest, a good cry, peace of mind, to just be me wherever or whoever “me” happens to be in the moment. if you haven’t noticed, i like ritual and even predictability, so i’ve been going a little bonkers not having this being-space for over three years.

on saturday, nicholas & i biked down to bartram’s garden, which basically feels like it’s in our backyard. i’ve always assumed that it’s similar to other philly historical parks/sites…a little dirty, lots of shady activity going on all hours of the day (i can’t even tell you how many times i had to protect little eyes and ears at a city park where i used to take kids for recess…ugh.) or touristy. bartram’s felt so earthy, not overly manicured and in some places i even lost the sounds of traffic. it also helps that i worked an event in which “john bartram” did a re-enactment where i got learn all about his mystical, natural, adventurous quaker-life. i think BG will have to become part of my routine as well as that spontaneous little green-quiet space to retreat to, even if it’s only for a half hour to get myself together:) here’s some phone photos…my slr died on me, which is sometimes the best thing that can happen when exploring.

virginia-special

 

hey y’all:) yes, we did get a little South-fix right before things heated up. we left the city for a labor weekend in charlottesville, va. it was the first time i’ve really explored any part of va…i typically associate it with dc, flags & militarism, but there’s a whole other state out there! while charlottesville i was not so keen on, we had the privilege of staying at a little mountain farm about 8 miles outside of the city that we discovered on airbnb. have you used it yet? i’ve airbnb-ed four times now and every experience just keeps getting better & better!

our host had a slew of roosters&hens, goats and plenty of fresh eggs to go around. there was beer, wine & spirits and tons of beebee icecreams waiting for us when we arrived…and seriously folks, it was sooo reasonably priced. we enjoyed slow mornings, some hiking near the blueridge parkway & celebrated my 26th at a beautiful little italian place in c’ville. here are some photos from our weekend trip…

so i’m back in the full-swing of things now…plus a new internship…yes, i’m pretty much a real counselor now. so weird:) i think taking photos, finding time to stretch and working on some bitty projects will have to stay in the mix to keep me grounded.

until next time…

take three: us.

we turned three this july! remember when we were ONE & TWO?

marriage is a paradox of all paradoxes…it is healing. it is joy. it is pain. it is sharing. it is selfishness. it is a bundle of goodness riddled with fears, a desire to be hidden even though you are so desperately known & times when being known & understood simply seems and is impossible.

i suppose i’m sick of hearing other people talk or blog about how wonderful their marriage and/or partner is. it smacks of dependency and this perception that this person completely fulfills his/her partner. perhaps, suggesting that marriage is actually this paradox i speak of is a little  vulnerable, but i think i just want to exist in reality with nicholas for as long as humanly possible. i don’t want to lie about what we have and what we’re becoming. it’s beautiful & sometimes so full, but it’s also hard to keep committing to the same human because i’m a silly human, too:)

all that said, year THREE sort of knocked the others out of the park! we learned rhythms and communicated with less words than ever before.

3 was a year of…

+swimming in our underpants in the wild/public (oops:)

+discovering turtle friends in a biopond & hidden, public fruit trees in philadelphia

+making homemade pizza re-ligous-ly once a weekend

+leaving behind a community & stepping into our own space again (bitter.sweet.)

+truly discovering damien jurado…oh, oh.

+exploring north carolina, maryland, delaware & new york

+planting our first little garden together

+spending some time missing the midwest (& remembering we’re mw-hearted thru&thru)

+gin&tonics…whiskey, nuf’ said

+figuring out how to pray & play together again

mmm…itwas a good one, dear nicholas. i have no idea what four holds for us, but i’m sure we will only find more stones to turn over, more fields in which to sow the longings of our beating hearts.

mine beats for you, sweet one.

rearrangin’

i’ve decided to rearrange around here a bit sort of the way i’m constantly rearranging things in my home(s). i’m not so into this theme…it’s a little too “cute” for me, but wth, the other theme’s been cramping my style for over a year & babygirl’s not about to go spending money on this thing so it’ll be a better representation of me and/or my taste (though that might be nice some day:) the minute this invisible stuff gets too finicky’s the minute i drop it like it’s hot, and we don’t want that to happen, right?

when you scroll, the balloons go up a little and that’s just so damn cute, am i right? we’ll see how she fares.

this photo was taken in my old house- the one where we lived with children&babies, yes? after editing it, i realized that all of the plants in the photo have since died…it really bothered me to remember them. yes, they’re just plants, but there felt like there was a bunch of stuff that died last year- in me & outside of me- that i really tried to grieve…some people & things, i gave it my all: feel this now, so that you can put one foot in front of the other later.

it seems that no matter how healthy you try to be, even as a sad person who needs to mourn, there are still gonna be some house plants that get forgotten. you’re still going to see that person, or dream about him, or smell something that reminds you…and it’s like you lost it all over again. but…

but…every time it gets a little weaker, a little different. it still burns coming up, but it’s getting more manageable to just be you. emotional, weird, you, who loves deeply, falls really hard when you do & always has an eerie, Externally gifted strength to keep asking your heart to be open, soft & pliable again…

just remember, the balloons go up when you scroll.

weekly ritual.

I started this with a series of posts in mind regarding weekly rituals, but after the events of Saturday, I realized that my weekly rituals can’t be teased out so easily…they sort of flow right into or alongside one another. I suppose it’s nice to know that my life does have some sense of “flow” even if/when I’m not conscious of it…

Since my recent lapse in the blogosphere, we have relocated to a new neighborhood-one that is full of life, an almost constant stream of visitors or petitions for park-time and enough quiet & green to satisfy our souls for the moment. The transition has come with all of those new neighborhoodly-type things like finding a café I can count on, a cheaper bar (we’re still looking for this one, any suggestions?), where to get groceries without getting priced-gouged and the best free things to do in the evenings and weekends.

One ritual that I’ve established in the new hood has been a weekly visit to the clark park farmer’s market. I don’t want to belabor the market experience because most of us know why it’s one of the best parts of a week (or at least why it should be!). for as much spontaneity as I may lack, I think I make up for it in the joy I receive in the keeping of rhythms like market visits.

These images document a snippet of my Saturday and some other rituals like drinking coffee & eating some yummy flourless cookies, people-watching, buying a baby-bouquet for a friend and recently, sketching & coloring. I’ve always shied away from playing around in the world of doodling because I’m simply not very good at it, but have found that this is precisely why it has been so cathartic for me. The colors speak to me in such a soothing way and I really believe they are helping me heal through the smattering of losses I’ve incurred over these months. It’s a whole new world for me-I fall asleep thinking about brown ochre only to wake up with a dream of a fibrous quilt doused in tuscan red. Weekly rituals hold me together in the strangest of times and this season will be no exception…

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laking about…

so, hey.

i’m not so sure where one starts when they come back to a blog. as my friend anne says, “blogging is just weird.” to which i’d agree, but it’s also sort of beautiful. i have dreams of going off the grid, raising some chickens and saying ‘piss’ on all this technological horseradish, but for now, i have many-a-friend far beyond my grasp and so for them, i post.

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it’s been a summer full of mini-trips & sleeping in tents & eating more grilled meat than i have in 8+ years & cuddling with the people who cuddle best & film photography & sketching for catharsis & seeing beautiful beings bind themselves together…

but it’s also been a summer full of loss, some that are not over yet and will continue to burn well into the fall. luckily pain tends to pair well with this woman’s makeup, and so, like i usually do, i’m learning more & more how to listen to my spirit and yield where she needs rest. i’m trying to take a break from being so damn hard on myself, yet looking forward to the disciplines that await me as the leaves change.

i have missed this space & it would be nice if it could be a regular one again…

hi. 

i have decided to go visit a thrift shop, to which i’ve never been, that’s run by nuns. 

i will take multiple film cameras with me & not be lazy. it’s time for something to happen.

i am neglecting some things today because i simply can’t take it anymore. 

i am still alive & today i need to prove that to myself (and you, by being…here).